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July 16, 2017 by
This is not an instruction manual for bloodplay. I don't think it's possible for me to do that, because bloodplay is complicated, dangerous stuff. Instead I'm going to post a list of minimum requirements. This guide is designed to reduce risk as much as possible, it cannot make bloodplay entirely safe. In addition to the items on this list, the participants much communicate fully about medications, health issues, known diseases, and possible exposes (including exposure through travel) before play. Even an aspirin will decrease your ability to clot. Important health issues include diabetes, high/low blood sugar, high/low blood pressure, immune and autoimmune disorders, hepatitis, HIV, etc. *All cutting implements must be single use, sterile, and disposable. "Sterile" means that they were professionally autoclaved. Boiling, running through a flame, and wiping with alcohol do not sterilize a blade. Remember, anaerobic environments are more likely to develop serious infections. The skin that is going to be cut must be cleaned with a surgical skin scrub, in a spiral going from the inside out to avoid contaminating cleaned areas. All participants must understand how blood born pathogens are transmitted. I recommend taking a pathogen control class. All participants must understand and take measures to avoid cross contamination. The area in which you are working must be clean. Blood can spray, drip, and splatter... plastic sheeting is a good idea. The surfaces you use must be disinfected before and after play. The person doing the cutting must wash their hands and then put on a pair of latex, vinyl, or nitrile gloves. These gloves must be changed after touching any contaminated surface. This is why you need to understand cross contamination avoidance. It is not possible to continually wash your hands after you touch any dirty surface - it is much easier to grab a new pair of gloves. Learn how to put them on correctly. The wounds must be properly dressed immediately after play and kept clean until they close completely. The cutter must understand human anatomy enough to know where and how deeply s/he may cut. Knowing how to avoid arteries, veins, and ligaments is really important... if you like being alive and using your limbs. Cuts and puncture wounds are not the same as the minor scratches we encounter in daily life. They create an oxygen poor environment that is ripe for infection. Unsafe play can lead to serious bacteria infections such as MRSA. Unsafe play can also transmit serious viral infections such as HIV and hepatitis. Safety is vital. Cutting yourself up in an unsafe shows a lack of respect for yourself and your partners. That's self destruction, not BDSM. It is worth learning how to do these things correctly. I recommend watching others and finding someone who can teach you. You can talk to experienced kinksters, doctors, phlebotomists, nurses, pierces, and tattoo artists. Always check what they say against common sense and your own research. YOU are responsible for your own safety.

July 16, 2017 by
Roles in BDSM There are a few common roles and terms people use in the kink world. Their longer definitions can all be found in the glossary, but in short: Top - One who gives sensation or action. Bottom - One who receives sensation of action. Dominant - One who has, takes, or receives power. Submissive - One who gives, relents, or doesn't have power. Switch - One who switches between roles. Sadist - One who enjoys giving pain. Masochist - One who enjoys receiving pain. Sadomasochist - One who enjoys both giving and receiving pain. source All of these are generally used as self-referential (as in "I'm a sub," or "I'm a switch"), and people use them in many ways, as well as different ways in different situations, or over time. They pair together in fairly obvious ways (sadist with masochist, dominant with submissive), but they don't have to pair in any way at all; some people don't use any of these terms to define themselves, and some people use several. Dynamics A common misconception for newcomers in BDSM is that there's only one way for someone in a certain role (dom, sub, bottom, top, etc) to act. This can come from many places (mainstream conceptions of kink, porn, the media), and often looks like a very serious, uber strict Master/slave dynamic. But there are lots of ways any dynamic in BDSM can look, whether that dynamic be more Master/slave, Daddy/little girl, Owner/pet, straight Sadist/masochist, or Top/bottom with no power exchange. What kind of dom do you want to be? Compassionate? Caring? Loving? Harsh? Strict? Playful? Degrading? Or what kind of sub? Obedient? Bratty? Playful? Angry? Quiet? You can play mix and match with what you want, as well as compromise when needed. Do you love calling/being called Master or Mistress but your style matches that more of a "daddy/mommy" role? Well that's just fine. There is no right or wrong way to make it what you want. It can take some reflection and experience to figure out what you want, and it can shift from person to person and relationship to relationship. You may go from a traditional M/s relationship to a Owner/pet relationship with a different person, or switch from Dom to sub. This could happen over many years, or on a daily or weekly basis. It's up to you! We recommend that everyone sit down with their partner and spend some time talking about what kind of dynamic they want - and how that dynamic changes between the bedroom and the rest of life. Some people keep the exact same dynamic in place all the time, some people have a toned down version they like to use, and some people want to be equals outside of the bedroom. Making those decisions can be tough, but it's really important to keep an open and honest dialog with your partner. Whether you find a label or a dynamic in the above section that fits you or not isn't important; these are just a few of the most common terms used. What is important is that you find an identity or dynamic that works for you.

July 16, 2017 by
Great General Books: The New Topping/Bottoming Book by Easton and Hardy The Ethical Slut (more about poly than kink, but it applies) by Easton and Hardy SM 101 by Jay Wiseman Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Devon and Miller Blogs we Like: www.pervocracy.blogspot.com http://clarissethorn.com/blog/ The kink section of the sexperts lounge Technical Guides: www.twoknottyboys.com - Two Knotty Boys (bondage) www.twistedmonk.com (bondage) Where to Buy Things: pharmacy/medical supply, grocery, hardware, pet, & horse stores www.kinkymedical.net (medical play) www.stockroom.com (general kink and BDSM) www.babeland.com (general sex, some kink) www.edenfantasys.com (general sex) www.early2bed.com & www.early2rise.com (general sex, some kink) www.collarfactory.com (custom collars and cuffs) local vendors! Interactive Checklists: www.mojoupgrade.com for the more vanilla side of things http://www.evilmonk.org/A/checklist.cfm?act=listcat http://www.submissiveguide.com/2009/07/bdsm-checklist/ What to Do if You Encounter Law Enforcement: please look at this thread Remember: this is not a traffic stop or a noise complaint. The cops are at your house because they think someone is hurt, and they aren't going to leave until you can prove otherwise. That should be relatively easy - but please be polite and talk to them. Figure out whether or not BDSM is legal in your area and tell the truth (or a slightly more legal version of it). You are two adults. You were having kinky fun. Things got loud, and you are very sorry for scaring everyone. This is a layman's suggestion and should not be taken for legal advice.

July 16, 2017 by
BDSM is not abuse. Abuse and assault exist in the world, and although kink is one of the most communicative, sex-positive, consent-oriented cultures I know, it also exists in the world, and abuse and assault exist in our community. Sometimes people talk about BDSM as abuse in itself; to be clear, that simply isn't true. At the heart of what we do is consent, and that's non negotiable, as it is (or should be) everywhere. But like any form of sex (or human interaction), bad things can happen. Below are some examples (not exhaustive, by any means) of kinds of abuse in the kink community, some suggestions to protect yourself, and some resources you might (but hopefully wont ever have to) turn to: When someone touches you without asking, that is not okay. When someone inserts themselves into your scene without prior negotiation or permission, that is not okay. When someone ignores your safeword, that is assault. When someone hits you without having previously negotiated or been given permission, that's assault; when do it with an implement, that's aggravated assault. When someone touches you sexually without your permission, that's sexual assault, and when someone has sex with you without your permission, that's rape. These may seem like the basics, but the reason they're here is to emphasize one point: these things do not change in the world of kink. Meaning, if you use your safeword in a scene to, for example, stop someone from the flogging you, there is no extended-permission, no overarching "but this is kinky," clause: you are asking them to stop, and they should. Same that goes for anywhere else. There are some things to look for, especially in kink, that can help avoid abusive situations and assault. This is by no means to say that every time, there will be clear warning signs; every situation is different. If someone is pushy or puts pressure on your about your limits or boundaries, even about small things, that's a red flag. If someone does something without consent (even a small thing like, say, putting a hand on your arm), that's a red flag. If someone doesn't want to talk openly and honestly about some form of play (note: this doesn't mean it will be the easiest thing all the time, but effort counts), that's a red flag. If someone tries to play without a safeword, or talks about not needing a safeword, that's a red flag. If someone says you're a bad Dom, or a bad sub, or a bad top or bottom or pet, etc., that's a red flag (and also, they're an idiot). Trust your instincts, and remember, saying "no thank you," or "I'm done playing now," is always okay. If you do find yourself in a situation of assault or abuse, there are places and people that can help. First, you should get yourself to a safe place. Both The National Domestic Violence Abuse Hotline and the The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline have great information and resources, including both an online and telephone hotline, and instructions on what to do when you've been assaulted. For later on, you can try the kink-friendly professional database, to look for a counselor that's right for you.

June 9, 2017 by
with no flogger or rope...   with nothing but your voice and mind... could you still hold your submissive or slave down? Control them? Command them? Not because they want to be, but because they have no other choice. could you still cause them fear, shame and pain? Are you too reliant on your tools? In mental or emotional work, all you have is your voice and your mind. With it, you can horrify and make someone afraid, angry, ashamed, sad... You can scar someone for life. You can break their mind. Reduce them to hysteria, a blubbering hot mess. You could leave them there... but like all forms of torture, you are responsible for bringing them around again. Can You? It's not like a skin wound, strained muscle, pinched nerve or broken bone; where you give first aid and they will probably heal soon enough if they care for it. You can't see the injury. You just know it has to be there. Sometimes I think this is underestimated. Yet we know due to the work of the military that interrogation techniques can leave someone with PTSD. From bullying research, we know that the aftermath can be suicidal or homicidal rages. Working with the mind is like biking or walking down a hill then trying to go back up the otherside when you're tired. But knowing it's the only way home. You cannot stay in the valley overnight. It's like trying to find your way thru a minefield. Where you aren't sure if the loads are active, but you know they're there...somewhere. Like walking thru a labyrinth. Or being lost in a forest and all you see is tall trees. No markings, a path plan but you aren't sure if a human made that path or a wild animal. Is it safe to take it? Then there's green confusion. Is it this tree or that one that you touched just a minute ago? I'm not saying your tools are children's toys. Yes they can and do cause harm. But in most cases, you know it's there. You can't SEE the damage to a mind, till it's way too late. So why do I often see people saying that the only true edge play are the ones that leave physical signs?

April 28, 2017 by
I like femdom, i wont list which fetishes in particular. But I remember when I hit puberty, I didn't know what femdom / bdsm was. When I jacked off for the first time, it wasn't to anything freaky, maybe a mental image of a hot girl at school or mainstream adult entertainment that you'd find on cable or at the grocery store. But as I discovered porn online, I realised that femdom turned me on in a way that normal porn did not. I can't speak for everyone, but I think a lot of people will enjoy something if it would seem real, or could be really happening to you / for you even if obviously, it was shot on film. Like POV angles are popular, as are girl next door / hot plumber etc scenes. For me, having a hot girl expressing sexual interest in me is definitely unreal. it doesn't really happen in real life. I really am as ugly, pathetic and worthless as what the girls in femdom videos say (before they torture him). watching a mainstream clip now not only does not arouse me, it makes me incredibly depressed. By luck one time, a long time later than puberty, I went out briefly on a few dates with a girl who was hot. Not just to me, but to everyone else on the street. I failed to get an erection and that quickly went down hill afterwards. When we kissed and touched, it felt unreal. Maybe in my mind I never believed it she did like me, because no one attractive ever had before (or since). I experimented with prostitutes thereafter to try things out. With a dominant prostitute who indulged my fetishes I got erect and eventually came without medication. With a normal prostitute who offered a "girlfriend experience", I felt very little as I came, the erection was off viagra and I had a headache afterwards. No shit, you might say. But I'm not sure if I was 12 again, and attractive girls DID like me that I couldn't have had sex without viagra/cialis etc. At some point, as a normal human being, I would want to finish my special project (if I ever escape poverty) so that I could genuinely be attractive to the opposite sex in a concrete way that I am not now. Because why would sadistic women, even if that was their orientation, go for a pathetic loser to be their boyfriend when they could get money off me. I don't know if anyone has had similar thoughts or experiences. I just want to know, if one day, I stop being a pathetic loser, and I know that attractive women CAN be attracted to me and I really believe that because I WOULD be attractive then, could I learn to like normal sex?

April 15, 2017 by
I’ve been into kink most of my life, but have always struck out trying to find partners, satisfying scenes, and so forth. It has only been in the last few years of my life that I realized that my gender identification had an impact on my kink. I know that sounds daft—I guess it should be obvious?—but I just wasn’t in touch with my true gender ID, and so trying to do a “scene” was a compete farce. It got to the point where I just tired of the whole thing—including erotica, porn, etc.—because something always felt “wrong.” Wrong and ridiculous. And I could never pinpoint what that was. As I’ve accepted my true gender ID more, and shaped my attitudes towards that, it has been a complete 180-degree turn. I feel so much more sex positive, kink positive, and etc. And it makes me wonder: what would things have been like had this revelation happened 10, 15 years previously? But I’m not complaining. :-) I’m just wondering if this has happened to anyone else.

April 15, 2017 by
One idea I've had but not yet used is for when I (the sub) want to initiate a scene. I can either send an email to my husband before he gets home, or leave a note for him by the front door. The note is something along the lines of a letter from the mistress of the house informing her husband that the maid has done something horrible, so horrible that the mistress couldn't even deal with the maid herself, but has left the poor maid tied up upstairs waiting for the master to deal with her accordingly. The mistress has gone out (I suppose if you're looking for a 3-way, she doesn't need to have gone out). The sub has cuffed and gagged herself somewhere in the house and the master can carry out the punishment as he chooses, but likely with some interrogation to determine what horrible (or horribly filthy) transgression the maid was guilty of and would be forced to admit to.

April 15, 2017 by
Communicate – You and your partner must communicate before practicing or playing any scenes of creating a BDSM lifestyle. You both must be completely honest with each other about what you want, what you are going to do, how far you both will be willing to take it. Know what your red light is. Perhaps create a code word that the Sub can use if she or he becomes uncomfortable or scared. If you are playing with ball and gag’s or taping a mouth shut, make sure there is a physical sign that the Sub can use if they want the scene to stop such as using a available limb to “tap out” or a head nod that indicates you need your partner to stop. 2.Trust – You can absolutely not practice BDSM if there is little or no trust. This is why sometimes if you have a new sexual partner having a trusted third party involved (i.e. a club or a trusted friend) is very important. 3.Plan – There can never be enough planning involved. Pre plan the scene. What toys, what bondage, what kind of tools will be used besides toys, i.e. hot wax. Make sure you know how to operate all of your equipment, understand each other’s boundaries and code words. 4.Take Baby Steps – Start off slow, try one thing at a time. Perhaps start with bondage. Try just using satin ribbon, and then move on to rope. Start off with using hot wax, then move on to nipple clamps. You get the idea, try one thing at a time, and add more when you and your partner are comfortable with each aspect. 5.Throw out ALL pre conceived notions about BDSM. For example, subs don’t always have “Mommy/Daddy” issues. Normal Doms aren’t sociopaths or wife beaters; being a male sub does not make you weak, and being a Female Dom does not make you a Bitch. Check all assumptions at the dungeon door, BDSM is not always about whips and chains!